Saturday, July 5, 2025

Statistics Unfound- 5, 4, 3, 1, 1

 I wish I came here more often. 

This is the place that feels oddly safe from judgment or writer's remorse. I mean, no one reads these things after all. I simply type it out of my head and body and hit publish to not be seen or heard from, and YET feel like I shared. 

I am presently amid a 2-day grief reminder. I should have predicted it, anticipated it, or made room, BUT alas, tis' how these things go. It's like jumping carefree on a trampoline only to bounce off and hit the ground with the wind knocked out of you. All you can do it hold on till the air fills your lungs back up. 

Five:

June 29th marks 5 years ago when my Brother-in-law took his life. He had cancer. I remember like it was yesterday the barely legible words my husband cried through the phone (as he was at the fire station and on duty), the frantic calls to my other brother-in-law to no avail. The drive to their house at 3am, knocking on the door, and the way he fell to the floor when I uttered the words. Almost as if it was this moment, the mostly quiet drive to pick up my husband, and then the trip to break the news to my Father-in-law. I can see it all. The heaviness as we arrived at my sister-in-law's home, and she sat immobile on the couch. 

Four: 

This coming September will be the 4th year without my son. He, too, was dying from undiagnosed Hepatitis affecting all his organs. I fought for him at doctor after doctor, but clueless to his own demise, he acted like I was being overzealous and he was fine. He took his own life that fateful day, not because he was suicidal, but because he was in such intense pain, the coroner said he didn't even know how he was walking. I won't recount for you the experience of finding him, calling 911, telling my mother, the above-mentioned Brother-in-law, lying to my husband and kids to get them to come home without explaining why. The millions of people I was forced to text, and notify each with their own horror if living their reactions to the news. I am grateful it was me rather than any of them to carry such extensive trauma, but then again, I wish it wasn't any of us. 65% of people have experienced the death of a child by the time they are 60. I am not sure the numbers for your 40s. 11.8% have lost a sibling, but only 6.2% of people did so before they were 24. 

Three: 

This December marks the 3rd year without my Uncle Steve, who also had cancer, had surgery, then it returned, and he took his life. The cycle repeats. All of these deaths we understand, but it doesn't stop the scars. I was by her side the evening of his loss and for the following week after. I know what grief all too well, and it felt good to be of service, not to mention a shield from all those well-meaning people in the initial days. From that point forward, E and I spend every Thursday having dinner and enjoying each other's company. It is the only death something good thing that has come of it. 

One:

One year ago, July 4th, marks the final day of my Father-in-love being coherent and with us. We knew his impending death and were able to be with him all day. He told stories, said goodbyes, and so much more. It was beautiful. His transition overnight wasn't pretty, and my Brother-in-law, again above mentioned, bears the weight of that. As a gift of solidarity, I took the overnight shift while everyone else slept. The sister-in-law who lost her husband was with me all but the last few hours. When he was breathing only 3 breaths a minute, I woke the boys and his wife up to be with him for his final breath. It took 35 minutes. The flurry of reality instead of the united togetherness whisked in, and just like that, it was July 6th. His wife's and my oldest son's birthday. Seared in my visual brain are those two things. Though it is the only acceptable death of them all. It came from 94 long years of a well-lived life. 

One:

Finally, it is approaching the 1 year mark for my cousin to have lost her only child. She was nonverbal, and it was unexpected, with no clear cause still determined. I had a ringside seat to this moment, but not an emotional one. One of empathy for her transition into this Grief Club. 

Yep, last night as I sat boating with my daughter's boyfriend's family, it all came rushing back. This heavy reminder of the experiences I carry. But more than that, the fact that no one knows I do. I mean, sure, people are like, there's Elizabeth, she lost her son. But loss is so much more than a moment. It is a lifetime of memories, days of reminders, and trauma. It is a shared heartbeat with the child who was in my womb. It is the pain my husband and his sisters carry with them. It is mostly the unspoken in my home that I loathe. The independent grieving of a family torn apart. Just when I think we will be o.k. I am reminded. 

Grief is a heavy burden, I pray no one has to bear till they are good and old. 



Monday, May 30, 2016

Country Life is the one for me

Summer has begun and while my kids great me each day with the sweet words, where are we going today, I am not overjoyed with the pressure of figuring it all out. 80 days of me being home with them is a huge task to fill with a balance of adventures. Of course there is the mere cost of all these adventures to budget as well, especially when there are 4 kids at the minimum. SO, Friday bowling and Sonic happy hour drinks was a cost day. Today, Memorial Day, was a no cost day. We BBQ'd last night and ate with family the night before leaving today, with Daddy on duty, like a regular day. We did some work around the outdoors. We spent a few moments discussing the real purpose for this holiday and then the FUN part. Water games won by a mile!
Who really needs to buy a slip and slide these days? I mean they hardly hold up to repeated use. Around our property tarps are a plenty so I sent the older kiddos on a mission to retrieve the cleanest one they could find. Then they were extremely resourceful on finding ways to attach it the ground.
Would you believe I got in on the fun too? Yep, sure did. While I was very cautious compared to them running, diving and the sort, it was great. After they tired of it, we all moved to the trampoline with the sprinkler under it. Hard to believe it was hot enough to feel pretty great. Also, let it be documented that I WON the last man standing game taking Annabeth out. Course, I imagine she will be smarted and harder to beat next time when she figured out how I was able to win. But I WON!

Oops. you dropped the ball. Pick it up and start again...

First stop is setting goals. In doing so I needed a system to be in place for accountability. This was found on Pinterest. I am certain you may have seen it yourself.
http://www.livinglaughingandlearning.com/2014/11/printable-youre-grounded-chart.html

SO, I downloaded the free document and made it my own. Shhhhh. My kids have no idea it was that easy for me to make :)
Feel free to do so yourself. I am definetly a fan of natural consequences. Yet there are times when it takes hard work and determination to get to the heart of the matter too. This does just that.

UPDATE 1 year after original post: STILL works
At this point I am a bit less rigid with handing out the points. I may need to tighten up a bit more and write down the small increments so they don't get lost in the shuffle. The kids have started to "forget" to complete them right away but now that it is summer I am all over that. Regardless the real truth is that a person must pick a system of accountability with their kids and hold to it. Disciplined individuals only come from a parent guiding them along the way. This is definitely the trickiest time in being a momma. Knowing where to let them step out and fail and cheering them on when the succeed. Good luck and share your favorite resources with me too!


Friday, June 26, 2015

Fantastic Food Friday

Ah.. Friday..ok who am I kidding. I am a teacher so Friday hardly means much during the summer. BUT nonetheless we stayed home for the afternoon to cook and play away.
The first thing I did was prep dinner, which was AMAZING! The main dish was italian caramelized chicken. I followed the recipe exactly and every single member of the family was thrilled! https://www.pinterest.com/pin/253257179022700343/
AND BLT salad which I really just cut up cucumber, avocado, tomato and added a small amount of italian dressing instead of mayo like the recipe said.
https://www.pinterest.com/pin/426153183467120344/

Meanwhile we made some healthy snacks. First came fruit snacks from here:
http://www.mommysavers.com/c/t/164335/dollar-store-crafts-homemade-fruit-snacks-from-100-juice




Next I made my first attempt at fruit roll ups. It sure does take a long time to dry out, but it tastes yummy, as it was close to dry earlier. All the kids are dying to taste it as they smell it throughout the kitchen, I cannot for the life of me find the original post that had way more suggestions, options etc on it. But this one works or you can search yourself. For my first round I went with 2 1/2 cups of strawberries, 1 1/2 cups of banana overflowing the measuring the cup before I put them in the food processor. I am so grateful to my friend Ashley for having one because I never knew how much I needed one till we used it at her house. ANYWAY, after they were pureed I tasted and added a bit of honey. You could use powedered sugar, regular sugar, agave or any sweetener you want as desired.
http://www.raininghotcoupons.com/homemade-2-ingredient-fruit-rollups/

Lastly since the impatience factor is HIGH we made something we could eat right away. Starbacks vanilla bean frappuccino
http://simpleethrifty.com/copycat-starbucks-vanilla-bean-frappuccino/

I would recommend more ice cream and possibly ice for the next batch and less milk. Either way they were perfectly yummy!


Monday, June 15, 2015

Gak attack and a repeat treat

This Summer break has been an odd one. It seems we are packing for one thing or another, (Youth camp, Nationals, Camp Penuel and finally vacation) and always on the run. I cannot believe how little time we have spent just hanging around the house. I guess that just shows I don't have little kids anymore. Sigh..
Last Friday we decided to repeat an attempt at the outdoor waterbed with friends who haven't done it before. Apparently I should have read my own reflection because it took more effort than playtime to get it right. First I grabbed 2 tarps forgetting that you really only need to get one and fold that over before taping with duct tape. Bigger seemed better in mind but NOT real life.
Second a FLAT SPACE is best. We got it filling with water and realized the space was not at all flat. After fixing a leak or 2 we decided to flip the entire thing to get to flat ground. 2 adults and a few kids later we had it flat. BUT well a few rips and tons more leaks we finally cut it in half and tried a 2nd time.
While the kids had a blast for a pretty short time all in all I have learned my lesson for any future attempts.






Now on to today. I am in the unmotivated process of finishing packing for our trip to Nationals with dance. Well for 3 of us out of the 6 anyway. Knowing I will be gone from my baby girl who truly cares the most about spending time with me I decided why not make some GAK.
Here is the website I used: http://www.stevespanglerscience.com/lab/experiments/glue-borax-gak

The great thing about GAK is there is no perfection on recipe needed. You simply follow the directions and then edit as desired. We did what it said and then I spilled too much of the Borax solution in the bowl making it runny again so I added straight Borax. It definitely made it way better. We then had some color mixing fun too though I am out of red food coloring..random.
http://www.stevespanglerscience.com/lab/experiments/glue-borax-gak




Other than Borax you probably have everything you need.

Monday, May 25, 2015

Restoring, renewing and onto bigger better

Whew! It sure has been quite sometime since I sat here. I feel a little bit like the mom on the movie Mom's Night Out. I mean how much I wanted to be a blogger, someone who had something to share in this daunting but worth every second mom gig. I like to write but have little true flare except well when it comes from the heart, or the Holy Spirit. Anyway, here I sit on the brink of summer feeling like a freight train almost ran me over. Almost you ask? Why yes because if it had really run me over I would have no hope of prevailing.
This year feels like a year of equipping and restoration. A year to set things in a forward motion in the best way possible. It seems in the years from being a stay at home mom/Aunt to today of a full time teacher, part time preschool coordinator have taken its toll. I had to give up on what once I had time for and live moment to moment. Yet somewhere in that transition I lost the overall focus of my kids futures. Yes the day to day was taken care of but we all just survived. The grace of God has been in it but before my eyes I now have a 14 (less than 2 months from 15) year old full fledge teen son and a 12 halfway to 13 year old daughter. The younger 2 are 10 and just now 7 but there is a bigger of window of time for them. Plus by getting the elders figured out I am only helping them too.
The big ones, oh my precious first 2 kids, every inch of my being is screaming these are your crucial days. Get in there are get busy leading them to the lifestyle God wants them to cling to when they leave. They may be 2 1/2 years apart but so much of their milestones in life have been done together.
SO, here I am. Learning just like them. Will you join me on this journey too?

What resources do you use to guide you in this mom gig?

http://www.themobsociety.com/
http://meaningfulmama.com/


Saturday, August 10, 2013

Pinterest FAIL

It was bound to happen at some point but well I just wish it wasn't on something that required so much effort! You see my dear sweet children were not OK with letting it fail so we attempted not 1, not 2 but 3 times. REALLY!
What is it that we determined to make...rock candy. I mean how hard can it be to get sugar to crystallize? Apparently more difficult than I thought. Course the post I got the idea from also stated it took them 2 attempts to get it right. directions click here

 First, make sure to read ALL of the directions, every... single...word. An example would be continue adding sugar UNTIL it appears they liquid will no longer absorb more. That makes for fail number one.I never added the clothespin to keep the sticks straight and in the middle. (I know I have a real following directions problem when cooking, sorry!)





 THEN, use the right kind of sticks. I used paper wrapped sticks and not wood. I am pretty sure this makes a difference because on attempt three it was the ONLY part of the directions we did not follow exactly.


                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         Here is the final product. As you can see it kinda  (not completely) worked, basically enough for the now desperate kids to semi eat. I a true sugar addict didn't think it tasted that great but who am I after all? How about you try? Feel free to post a comment and let me know if you were more successful than I, thereby confirming we stink at this but well its fun to hear :)


Click for better directions As you can see above it just didn't work quite right. There is tons of sugar in those glasses but well it didn't attach to the sticks.